‘Being able to show up
for ourselves and share who we truly are with others are the gifts of self
love.’
Most people associate loneliness with needing someone to
keep them company. We sometimes believe that if we had more friends, a
relationship or even a pet to keep us company, we wouldn't feel so lonely. If
this was the case, then why do people who have many friends, colleagues, family
and/or a relationship ever feel lonely? You can feel lonely while sitting
having a conversation with someone else or even while making love. Considering
that there are several billion of us on this planet and more than a few million
on this small island – (few have absolutely no one to talk to) – it is
interesting that loneliness seems to be epidemic. So, why do so many people get lonely?
Loneliness has little to do with how many people you share
your life with. If it did, then no-one who had regular contact with other
people would ever feel lonely, except perhaps if they missed a specific person
they were used to spending a lot of time with. Loneliness is all about your
relationship with yourself. If we cannot really relate to ourselves, how can we
relate to others? It is much harder to relate to others on a deep level when we
suffer low self esteem or think we are not lovable; we crave more from our
relationships and often feel lonely, even when in a committed relationship.
Sometimes the empty feeling we experience is only exacerbated by the
unsatisfying relationships we end up in because of our low self esteem.
However, a ‘better’ relationship won’t solve the problem because the problem
ultimately lies deep within.
If we feel lonely, we usually work hard to try and
compensate, fix and/or cover it up, if only from ourselves. Being around people
can give us temporary respite, because they offer us a distraction. So can
drinking, partying, having sex, travelling, meeting new people or working
really hard. Often we find ourselves settling for a partner who does not fulfil
our emotional needs just so we can have someone around. When feeling lonely,
most of us will look outside of ourselves to find solace, sometimes taking
desperate measures. We need to do the opposite – we need to find our selves and
strengthen our sense of belonging to The Universe. The irony is; if you
recognise yourself in this description, you are of course far from alone…
If you suffer from chronic loneliness, you will never find
what you are looking for by searching outside of yourself. Not even one hundred
amazing friends or the perfect partner will ever be able to fix that feeling
because it stems from your relationship to yourself. Yes, we may dream of the
perfect partner, friend(s) or even a child to fill the void and make us feel
whole or loved – but people will come and go, relationships will end or change
and in the end, people die. Your sense of inner peace is precarious indeed if
it depends solely on your relationship with others. Perhaps more to the point,
if you have not dealt with any underlying low self esteem that is causing the
feeling of loneliness, it will soon creep back in and will often undermine even
the best of relationships because the void makes you always feel you need more
than is on offer… or it may force you to keep distracting yourself with
activities that take you away from your partner.
I am not suggesting that as humans we don’t need other
people or that every time you feel like you need a bit of company you are
suffering from low self esteem. What I am saying is that chronic loneliness;
that deep underlying feeling of emptiness, isolation, disconnection or of not
having ‘enough’, is an inner state which can therefore only be changed from
within.
So how can we deal with our loneliness? Well I’d be lying if
I was to say it was as easy as flipping a switch but just acknowledging that
you are suffering from loneliness and accepting that it won’t ultimately get
fixed by anyone or thing ‘out there’ is a powerful first step. The trick is to
do the opposite of what you normally do. If you are driven to seek ‘more’ (or
deeper contact) with others you could make a commitment to first become best
friends with yourself. Gradually learning to spend quality time alone, doing things
you enjoy, will help you to get to know yourself and how you are feeling. Once
you enjoy your alone time, it will make you much less fearful about being alone
when you find you have to be.
If on the other hand you tend to isolate with your loneliness
then it may be time to reach out and see who is there for you. Learning to
share how you feel with others will help you establish a better connection to
yourself. If any of these suggestions are challenging, you could start your journey
of self exploration with a counsellor, support group or spiritual practice.
Ultimately, you are working towards developing a loving relationship with
yourself that is based on pleasure rather than avoidance.
The good news is, once you've develop a strong, healthy
relationship with yourself you will discover you need less from others, and
that you can enjoy both your time alone and with others far more. Best of all,
you will realise that you have a choice about who you share your life with.
When we are driven by emptiness, we often sell ourselves short in our
relationships or avoid them altogether. Being able to show up for ourselves and
to share who we truly are with others, are the gifts of self love. And with
these gifts come incredible emotional freedom…
by Freja ♥ © April 2008
‘Thanks – have just read with interest your thing on
loneliness – ironic that here are billions of us and we often do not manage to
integrate – I too sometimes find integrating hard work.’ B
