How do we know if we are following a dream or chasing a mirage?

'Whatever it is that feels so acutely missing in our lives, is the very thing we must take responsibility for nurturing in ourselves.'

Over the last 12 months I have had to let go of every single dream I have ever held dear. I never realised quite how attached to them I was until one by one, they each came up; all bright and rosy only to be burst with a big loud 'bang'. I have discovered that these dreams I have so passionately pursued were actually mirages and that continuing to chase after them was self destructive. So, how can we tell if we are heroically following our dream or foolishly chasing a mirage?

Secretly I have been waiting for my 'real' life to start through the the fulfillment of at least one of these dreams. Like a petulant child, I have tried bargaining with God many times and have often bitterly complained – please can't I at least have one of them come true? I suspect that somewhere deep inside, most of us feel we are missing something and if we could only our hands on it, we would finally be able to relax and enjoy life.

For many of us there is at least one thing we crave - I call it the 'happy ending' dream; finally finding our One True Love; finally having a 'not so wonderful' lover magically transform and turn out to be our One True Love after all; finally healing a devastating life long family rift; finally being validated in the 'right' career; finally achieving success, acclaim, or a fabulous salary, and if all else fails then we may pine after the ultimate escape – finally receiving a big fat windfall so you don't have to worry about anything at all!

It may sound embarrassing admitting to any of these flights of fancy, but it really is no joke to feel that your life is worthless until something external has been granted to you. Because ultimately that's what all our 'happy ending' dreams are about - finally receiving some form of external validation that we are loved, valued and accepted for who we truly are. The natural response any wound is to seek something outside of ourselves to 'make it better'. Hopefully this will save us from the devastating inner belief that somehow - without this external validation - we are simply not enough. Whether it is love or sex or success or money or acceptance that we desperately crave, it is a painful lesson indeed to realise we can never fill that gaping hole.

There is a huge difference between following a dream that is born out of recognising our heart's desire and one that stems from trying to avoid pain or save us from wounds that have been inflicted on us in the past. Chasing or pining for the ever elusive happy ending is a dream based on fear and will only takes us further away from our authentic selves and deeper into our pain. Whatever solution we seek 'out there' can only ever turn out to be a mirage. The continued lack of closure and the devastating feelings of failure, shame and despair that go with it, leads us ever deeper into a negative cycle that becomes increasingly difficult to let go of.

Once we step back, we will discover that we have become addicted to trying to change the outcome of a sad story, instead of finding a way to accept it and come to terms with our loss. Whatever it was that happened to cause our wound, if we are waiting for those who hurt us to finally see the error of their ways or to magically change we will always feel disappointed and betrayed. We often find ourselves repeating the same patterns over and over again because we do not want to accept the ending has already happened. All we can do is find a way to come to terms with the fact that it wasn't happy and that we were wounded by this.

Of course, the more unhappy our ending was, the harder it is to accept. But if we are ever to stop reliving the pain and our powerlessness over the past, then accept it we must. This becomes much easier to do this when we decide to finally give ourselves that which was originally denied us, instead of desperately trying to get others to give it or naively waiting for the story to change. Whatever it was that feels so acutely missing in our lives, is the very thing we must take responsibility for nurturing in ourselves.

We must learn to give ourselves the love, acceptance, security, validation and respect that we need because in the end, the rest of world is just as lost and wounded as we are. It is only a vulnerable child who must look to the world outside for validation; as an empowered adult you can find a way to give yourself whatever you need without chasing after mirages. And if you don't know how? You can choose to get help and learn how. Allow the story ending be whatever it was and find some other way to give yourself what was lost.

And if instead of feeling a fearful craving you feel excited, joyful and expansive when following your dream – then you know it is not a mirage you are chasing, but a genuine calling from your soul.

Freja ♥