Why do people get lonely?

‘Being able to show up for ourselves and share who we truly are with others are the gifts of self love.’ 

Most people associate loneliness with needing someone to keep them company. We sometimes believe that if we had more friends, a relationship or even a pet to keep us company, we wouldn't feel so lonely. If this was the case, then why do people who have many friends, colleagues, family and/or a relationship ever feel lonely? You can feel lonely while sitting having a conversation with someone else or even while making love. Considering that there are several billion of us on this planet and more than a few million on this small island – (few have absolutely no one to talk to) – it is interesting that loneliness seems to be epidemic. So, why do so many people get lonely?

Loneliness has little to do with how many people you share your life with. If it did, then no-one who had regular contact with other people would ever feel lonely, except perhaps if they missed a specific person they were used to spending a lot of time with. Loneliness is all about your relationship with yourself. If we cannot really relate to ourselves, how can we relate to others? It is much harder to relate to others on a deep level when we suffer low self esteem or think we are not lovable; we crave more from our relationships and often feel lonely, even when in a committed relationship. Sometimes the empty feeling we experience is only exacerbated by the unsatisfying relationships we end up in because of our low self esteem. However, a ‘better’ relationship won’t solve the problem because the problem ultimately lies deep within.

If we feel lonely, we usually work hard to try and compensate, fix and/or cover it up, if only from ourselves. Being around people can give us temporary respite, because they offer us a distraction. So can drinking, partying, having sex, travelling, meeting new people or working really hard. Often we find ourselves settling for a partner who does not fulfil our emotional needs just so we can have someone around. When feeling lonely, most of us will look outside of ourselves to find solace, sometimes taking desperate measures. We need to do the opposite – we need to find our selves and strengthen our sense of belonging to The Universe. The irony is; if you recognise yourself in this description, you are of course far from alone…

If you suffer from chronic loneliness, you will never find what you are looking for by searching outside of yourself. Not even one hundred amazing friends or the perfect partner will ever be able to fix that feeling because it stems from your relationship to yourself. Yes, we may dream of the perfect partner, friend(s) or even a child to fill the void and make us feel whole or loved – but people will come and go, relationships will end or change and in the end, people die. Your sense of inner peace is precarious indeed if it depends solely on your relationship with others. Perhaps more to the point, if you have not dealt with any underlying low self esteem that is causing the feeling of loneliness, it will soon creep back in and will often undermine even the best of relationships because the void makes you always feel you need more than is on offer… or it may force you to keep distracting yourself with activities that take you away from your partner.

I am not suggesting that as humans we don’t need other people or that every time you feel like you need a bit of company you are suffering from low self esteem. What I am saying is that chronic loneliness; that deep underlying feeling of emptiness, isolation, disconnection or of not having ‘enough’, is an inner state which can therefore only be changed from within.

So how can we deal with our loneliness? Well I’d be lying if I was to say it was as easy as flipping a switch but just acknowledging that you are suffering from loneliness and accepting that it won’t ultimately get fixed by anyone or thing ‘out there’ is a powerful first step. The trick is to do the opposite of what you normally do. If you are driven to seek ‘more’ (or deeper contact) with others you could make a commitment to first become best friends with yourself. Gradually learning to spend quality time alone, doing things you enjoy, will help you to get to know yourself and how you are feeling. Once you enjoy your alone time, it will make you much less fearful about being alone when you find you have to be.

If on the other hand you tend to isolate with your loneliness then it may be time to reach out and see who is there for you. Learning to share how you feel with others will help you establish a better connection to yourself. If any of these suggestions are challenging, you could start your journey of self exploration with a counsellor, support group or spiritual practice. Ultimately, you are working towards developing a loving relationship with yourself that is based on pleasure rather than avoidance.

The good news is, once you've develop a strong, healthy relationship with yourself you will discover you need less from others, and that you can enjoy both your time alone and with others far more. Best of all, you will realise that you have a choice about who you share your life with. When we are driven by emptiness, we often sell ourselves short in our relationships or avoid them altogether. Being able to show up for ourselves and to share who we truly are with others, are the gifts of self love. And with these gifts come incredible emotional freedom…

by Freja ♥ © April 2008

‘Thanks – have just read with interest your thing on loneliness – ironic that here are billions of us and we often do not manage to integrate – I too sometimes find integrating hard work.’ B

Freja's December 2012 Astro Advice

An intuitive reading for each sign of the zodiac…

Freja is available for Shamanic readings in person and over the phone.

ARIES

The Moon, Malachite, Fear You may find your feelings are getting the better of you. While the depth of those feelings can be both frightening and confusing, you have nothing to fear. If we try to push feelings under the surface, they have a habit of gaining power and overwhelming us. So, stop resisting the process and allow it to unfold. Clarity and optimism will return just as surely as the sun will rise in the morning.

TAURUS

6 Swords, Rose Quartz, Water It is time to gain a new perspective on your feelings. You may be having new or deepened love feelings and want to attach them to someone else. Ultimately love is so much bigger than romance or sexual attraction. Enjoy people for who they are and what they bring to your life without feeling the need to possess the gift they bring. And remember, love always lies in the heart of the beholder.

GEMINI

The Emperor, Lepidolite, Creativity Something you want very much feels close to manifesting or coming to fruition. Perhaps you have met someone you are sexually interested in or you are involved in a project that requires you to balance your masculine and feminine energies. Nothing stands in your way except your attachment to the a certain outcome. Let go of fear and trust that everything is unfolding exactly as it should.

CANCER

Ace of Swords, Pietersite, Earth You seek clarity and resolution regarding a delicate, complex or confusing matter. While things may appear to be OK on the surface, you are picking up on undercurrents which are unsettling you and making you feel uneasy. Ignore logic and how things 'look' and listen to your instincts and your body instead. Doing this will tell you all you need to know and you'd be wise to pay close attention.

LEO

The Empress, Lace Agate, Spirit Guide What are you doing with your love? How do you express it and share it with those you care about? This month you are being asked to become more honest and responsible with regards to matters of the heart. Perhaps you have been ignoring some deep inner truth or are withholding something from another. Whatever it is, your Higher Guidance is telling you that it is time to face up to the truth.

VIRGO

2 Swords, Citrine, Simplicity You are trying to remain positive and 'outgoing' in order to make things happen or keep them on track. But this is not how you are feeling right now and it is not what you need to do. You need to emotionally withdraw and rebalance your Self. You also need to keep things simple and to trust that even if you relinquish all control, the earth will still continue to turn all by its self! Relax.

LIBRA

Maid of Vesicas, Rhodonite, Gentleness It is time to become more gentle on yourself. You have been so focused outside of yourself for so long that you are in dire need of some TLC. Be honest about where you are giving away energy to people who do not nurture you or to activities that are no longer fulfilling you. There is a time and a place for 'self less' giving, but if your needs aren't also being met, then your life is out of balance.

SCORPIO

Justice, Carnelian, Transformation Things may not seem all that exciting right now but some amazing changes are happening for you on an inner level. You have been going through a process where you have been trying to find an inner balance and create a new sense of order in your life. Continue to take good care of yourself by equalizing your emotional life and avoiding activities or people that make you lose your balance.

SAGITTARIUS

Knight of Cups, Rhodochrosite, Fire You are feeling very excited about something that fills you with passion. Perhaps romantic feelings are developing for someone or an established bond is being taken to the next stage. Or perhaps a creative project is bringing you a sense of deeper purpose in your life. As you follow your passion, it is also important that you do all that you can to make sure your inner child is feeling safe.

CAPRICORN

5 Swords, Black Tourmaline, Birth The established order of your life is being disrupted on a fundamental level. This does not feel very pleasant but it is necessary and it will ultimately liberate you from all that is limiting you. You can rest assured that nothing and no one that is of any real importance will be lost. Your best bet is to use this energy to consciously release any negative internal and external influences once and for all.

AQUARIUS

7 Vesicas, Malachite, Chaos You are feeling more focussed than you have done for sometime, perhaps you even have a new goal or vision that is inspiring you and making you feel excited about the future again. This positive development signals that the time has finally arrived for you to move ahead with your life. Enjoy the excitement, but don't forget to take time out to reflect and to keep one foot firmly on the ground.

PISCES

The Hanged Man, Amber, Gestation There is an area of your life where you are lacking in self confidence. Perhaps you are feeling wounded and believe the only way you are ever going to be able to feel better is if you are rescued by someone or something 'out there'. No matter how long you wait, no one can ever really rescue you or make you feel better about yourself. Accept support then focus on building your self esteem.

How do we know when it is time to walk away?

'While it is a challenge for any individual soul to swim against the collective tide, thankfully the collective tide is now turning towards equality and personal freedom.' Freja ♥

While there are many benefits to 'staying the course' and to being loyal and committed, sometimes we reach a point where we must 'walk away' from a relationship or situation. We can spend many weeks, months or sometimes even years feeling unsure and undecided about whether to 'stay or go'. So, how can we tell when it is time to walk away?

It was not so very long ago that people were expected to simply 'put up with' their lot in life and it seems that having the ability to do this is still regarded as being a sign of inner strength and fortitude. While sometimes this truly is the case, more often than not the desire to 'stick it out' comes not from inner strength but from feelings of fear.

The list of fears that come up can be quite overwhelming; fear of lack or scarcity, fear of insecurity or loss, fear of nothing better being available, fear of being 'wrong', being judged by others or making a mistake... you get the picture. Our internal fears only get amplified when we think of the old saying 'better the Devil you know than the Devil you don't.' Surely it better to have no Devil at all?

This rather popular expression suggests that ultimately we are always caught between a rock and a hard place; that even if we manage to escape some awful reality, there is nothing better available to us so we may as well just 'put up and shut up'. Or, as a rather forthright Headmaster once advised me to do when I was really struggling as a teacher; 'go home, have a stiff drink, then come back tomorrow and get your head down.' 'Ah', I thought to myself, 'so that's where I have been going wrong all my life!'

For better or worse, I have never been able to simply 'put up and shut up' and this has made for a very rocky ride indeed. Although my approach has lead to a somewhat insecure life, when I look back the only thing that ever truly bothered me was the nagging belief that I should somehow be able to 'put up and shut up', and that if I can't then there must be something wrong with me.

The list of 'shoulds' that accompany the 'putting up with it' approach is also very long; should be able to 'stick at it'; should be able to turn a blind eye or ignore unacceptable behaviour, should be able to meet the unrealistic demands and expectations of others, should try harder, work harder, be more accommodating and less sensitive. The question is, where did we all get the idea that if a situation is truly awful that we just need to 'get better' at dealing with it, and if we can't that it means we are not trying hard enough? And who decided that being a 'responsible' adult equals agreeing to put up with 'the Devil' in our jobs and relationships?

Over the last hundred years or so, we have been moving into a more 'liberated' age, a time when people feel compelled to break free of oppression and enslavement. This process is all part of evolution of Humanity which is pushing us more and more urgently toward spiritual freedom. However, until we are ready to fully experience liberation and have found a way to integrate it into our lives, it can seem like all we are doing is trying to run away from something we ought to be able to accept.

Nothing can be further from the truth. Ultimately we are not really 'running away' from anything, we are 'running toward' spiritual freedom and inner peace. However, this process takes time and can make us feel lost and confused. Our soul's call for spiritual liberation usually begins with a strong intolerance for oppression, bullying, double standards, and for unreasonable demands being made on us in exchange for the security of love and/or money. Any intolerance to the endemic abuse of power within our society is not a sign of weakness or irresponsibility, it is a sign that your soul wants to break free.

The closer you get to reaching spiritual freedom, the greater your intolerance of power abuse becomes, however minor, subtle or unintentional. As your inner journey brings you closer to personal liberation, you become increasingly sensitive to how others respond to and affect your energy. While it would be so much easier to function 'normally', the 'normal' lack of sensitivity is actually due to desensitisation caused by thousands of years of oppression and layer upon layer of cultural denial.

Heightened sensitivity and intolerance to oppression is a sign of becoming increasingly unable to live in the 'Old Paradigm' – the abusive hierarchical social order that people have lived under for thousands of years. While it is a challenge for any individual soul to swim against the collective tide, thankfully the collective tide is now turning towards equality and personal freedom. Gone are the days when you are likely to be nailed to a cross or burned at the stake for owning your power or striving towards spiritual freedom – though don't be surprised if you are judged or shamed for it.

If you are trying to decide whether to stick at something or to walk away, you need only ask which option will enable your soul to evolve. Take a step back to check your feelings and listen carefully for any 'shoulds', underlying fears or limiting beliefs that may be holding you hostage. If having done all this you are still not sure, then make an empowered decision to commit yourself fully to your current situation, at least for the time being. And trust that if it turns out that you do need to walk away, in time it will become absolutely crystal clear – just as soon as you are ready.

Freja ♥

How do we know when we are 'on track' with our lives?

'Once you can truly let go of the need for validation and approval from others, you are ready to follow the path of the soul.' Freja ♥

Most of us have clear idea of what we would like to achieve in life. For many people this may mean working hard to enjoy a comfortable life style, doing a good job bringing up children or achieving career success. While personal goals can be clear cut and easy to measure for some people, for others they can feel vague, changeable or even contradictory. Whether our journey is as straight as an arrow or meanders like a river, how do we know when we are 'on track' with our lives?

There are two entities that drive and steer your life journey; your ego and your soul. These two aspects of your 'self' often contradict each other because their way of going about things is diametrically opposed. How someone chooses to live their life will largely depend on which of these two entities gets to set the agenda and make the decisions.

We all need an ego in order to experience being a separate individual. However, the ego is far more limited and limiting than the soul. The ego acts like stabilisers on a bike – while you are learning they are supportive but at some point you need to let them go or they will just slow you down and get in the way. The ego enables you to define yourself as a separate individual, but at some point, if you really want to evolve to your greatest potential, you need to say good bye to its limitations.

Like stabilisers, the ego is also concerned with safety. It seeks make your place in the world safe by helping you to 'fit in'. First and most importantly your ego seeks acceptance from your parents and family. Then, as you get older, your ego seeks to help you to 'fit in' with peers and society as a whole. Its primary aim is to ensure that you don't lose favour because being rejected or abandoned makes your position unsafe.

From the perspective of ego it is easy to know when we are on track. The ego relaxes when we receive recognition, validation, acceptance, love, money, promotion, praise, popularity – anything which offers assurance that you are 'doing well' in the eyes of others. While we all need ego reinforcements from time to time, when we live in accordance with ego, the approval of others is all that really matters. The more people like, reward and and praise us, the more secure we feel.

Contrary to popular belief, a strong ego is both positive and absolutely essential to our wellbeing. The more ego re-enforcing 'positive strokes' we receive as children, the greater our confidence and self esteem will be. If we trust our place in the world, it is much easier to let go of those external 'stabilisers' once we reach adulthood. If we reach adulthood with an under developed ego, then we remain in a childlike 'egocentric' state, continually seeking acceptance and validation from others. It is very hard to take the stabilisers off when you feel anxious and wobbly inside.

The soul requires you to have a strong enough ego to be able to live your life regardless of approval, praise or reward. Being dependent on external validation limits your potential for growth and also makes you vulnerable to power games. Approval can easily be withdrawn, withheld or denied and the ego finds it hard to remain detatched or to rise above such manipulations. Once you can truly let go of the need for validation and approval from others, you are ready to follow the path of soul.

The hardest part of living from the soul is breaking the deeply ingrained habit of looking outside for validation and remembering to look within. Cycling without stabilisers requires you to learn to inwardly feel where the balance lies. In the same way, to enable your soul to guide you, you must first find your inner balance. Once you can easily locate your inner centre and comfortably keep your balance, you are ready to go where ever your soul leads you.

Following the soul is very different than living from the ego because it allows so much freedom and possibility – you can literally go where ever you like. With so many choices suddenly made available to you, how do you know where you should be going or what you should be doing? Well here's the rub; there really is no where that you should be going or anything you should be doing – if you find that you are thinking in terms of 'shoulds' then you know you are back to ego!

Following the soul requires that you feel where you want to go. What makes you feel excited or joyful? What intrigues you and captures your attention? What challenges you to grow and brings out the best in you? What feels good and sits comfortably with your values? Asking such questions about how we feel from a place of inner balance enables us to follow the guidance of our soul and to intuitively know when we are 'on track'.

Although the soul speaks through your feelings, it is important to distinguish between a compulsive feeling and a genuine message from the soul. If a feeling starts to pull you off balance, encourages you away from your inner centre or towards gaining approval or validation then it is not coming from your soul, it is coming from your wounded or frightened ego. Although the soul will sometimes challenge us to the very core, its gentle whispers are always lead you deeper into your inner centre while simultaneously encouraging you to be courageous and free.

Freja ♥

How do we know if we are following a dream or chasing a mirage?

'Whatever it is that feels so acutely missing in our lives, is the very thing we must take responsibility for nurturing in ourselves.'

Over the last 12 months I have had to let go of every single dream I have ever held dear. I never realised quite how attached to them I was until one by one, they each came up; all bright and rosy only to be burst with a big loud 'bang'. I have discovered that these dreams I have so passionately pursued were actually mirages and that continuing to chase after them was self destructive. So, how can we tell if we are heroically following our dream or foolishly chasing a mirage?

Secretly I have been waiting for my 'real' life to start through the the fulfillment of at least one of these dreams. Like a petulant child, I have tried bargaining with God many times and have often bitterly complained – please can't I at least have one of them come true? I suspect that somewhere deep inside, most of us feel we are missing something and if we could only our hands on it, we would finally be able to relax and enjoy life.

For many of us there is at least one thing we crave - I call it the 'happy ending' dream; finally finding our One True Love; finally having a 'not so wonderful' lover magically transform and turn out to be our One True Love after all; finally healing a devastating life long family rift; finally being validated in the 'right' career; finally achieving success, acclaim, or a fabulous salary, and if all else fails then we may pine after the ultimate escape – finally receiving a big fat windfall so you don't have to worry about anything at all!

It may sound embarrassing admitting to any of these flights of fancy, but it really is no joke to feel that your life is worthless until something external has been granted to you. Because ultimately that's what all our 'happy ending' dreams are about - finally receiving some form of external validation that we are loved, valued and accepted for who we truly are. The natural response any wound is to seek something outside of ourselves to 'make it better'. Hopefully this will save us from the devastating inner belief that somehow - without this external validation - we are simply not enough. Whether it is love or sex or success or money or acceptance that we desperately crave, it is a painful lesson indeed to realise we can never fill that gaping hole.

There is a huge difference between following a dream that is born out of recognising our heart's desire and one that stems from trying to avoid pain or save us from wounds that have been inflicted on us in the past. Chasing or pining for the ever elusive happy ending is a dream based on fear and will only takes us further away from our authentic selves and deeper into our pain. Whatever solution we seek 'out there' can only ever turn out to be a mirage. The continued lack of closure and the devastating feelings of failure, shame and despair that go with it, leads us ever deeper into a negative cycle that becomes increasingly difficult to let go of.

Once we step back, we will discover that we have become addicted to trying to change the outcome of a sad story, instead of finding a way to accept it and come to terms with our loss. Whatever it was that happened to cause our wound, if we are waiting for those who hurt us to finally see the error of their ways or to magically change we will always feel disappointed and betrayed. We often find ourselves repeating the same patterns over and over again because we do not want to accept the ending has already happened. All we can do is find a way to come to terms with the fact that it wasn't happy and that we were wounded by this.

Of course, the more unhappy our ending was, the harder it is to accept. But if we are ever to stop reliving the pain and our powerlessness over the past, then accept it we must. This becomes much easier to do this when we decide to finally give ourselves that which was originally denied us, instead of desperately trying to get others to give it or naively waiting for the story to change. Whatever it was that feels so acutely missing in our lives, is the very thing we must take responsibility for nurturing in ourselves.

We must learn to give ourselves the love, acceptance, security, validation and respect that we need because in the end, the rest of world is just as lost and wounded as we are. It is only a vulnerable child who must look to the world outside for validation; as an empowered adult you can find a way to give yourself whatever you need without chasing after mirages. And if you don't know how? You can choose to get help and learn how. Allow the story ending be whatever it was and find some other way to give yourself what was lost.

And if instead of feeling a fearful craving you feel excited, joyful and expansive when following your dream – then you know it is not a mirage you are chasing, but a genuine calling from your soul.

Freja ♥

Can we learn to meet all endings with graceful acceptance?

'The cycle of life by its very nature demands endings, losses and separation just as often as it brings about union, birth and new beginnings.' Freja ♥

We live in a world where the one thing you can completely rely upon is that 'all good things will come to an end'. Actually, all bad things will too – everything comes to an end at some point or other. So, if endings are such an intrinsic and inevitable part of life, then why is it that when faced with any sort of ending, often our instinct is to recoil from the experience in abject horror or to try hanging on for dear life? Can we ever really meet endings with graceful acceptance?

If you were to observe a tree, you would notice that it neither stubbornly hangs on to its leaves in winter nor does it throw its ripened fruit onto the ground in a disgruntled tantrum - it simply lets go when it is the right time to do so. Animals feel and display grief, but an animal mother simply cannot not afford to stand around lamenting the loss of her off spring in the wild. Death, after all, is as much a part of life as birth and animals seem to know how to take it all their stride – indeed their very survival depends on it. While emotional attachment is definitely not peculiar to human beings, it would seem that a deep terror of endings is.

What makes human beings different from other animals is our spiritual role here on Earth. We are of this world – we live in bodies of flesh and eventually die, just like every living thing on the planet. But we are also aware on a deep inner level that this world really isn't 'it', that there is something else, something eternal, something so much greater and more permanent than the cycle of life and death that we experience here on Earth. It is this intrinsic inner knowing that makes us yearn to go back to the Oneness from where we have come, that causes us to seek eternal youth and to hope that good things will 'never end'. (I am not suggesting animals are not spiritual beings too, just that they play a different role than we do.)

The further we have collectively traveled along our path away from our spiritual origins, the deeper we have gone into the experience of 'separation' from the Divine. The more separated we have felt, the harder it has been for us to cope with life on Earth, with all Her endings, losses and pain. As our experience of separation from God (Light and Love) deepened, we even began to believe that the necessary pain of endings is 'bad', that it is a sign that we are out of favour with God – that ultimately bad things only happen to us because we are being punished for our sins.

You may like to believe that this thinking doesn't apply to you – but if you have ever over reacted to or tried to avoid endings in your life, then dig a bit deeper and you will discover a deep, unconscious belief that an ending means that there is something wrong – with you, with your life or possibly with both. If you follow this collective belief back to our ancient ancestry, it can easily be traced back to the story of Adam and Eve. It is through this story we came to believe that pain, suffering and death were given to us as a punishment for disobeying God. Yep, there it is! Deep down, collectively we came to believe that endings are intended as painful a punishment for being bad – not simply the way of this magical world!

Our fear of the dark, of menstruation, death, endings and all things wild and feminine, is rooted in our frightening experience of separation from the Divine. If we do not feel essentially connected to our spiritual origins, to the Source of All Life, how can we possibly feel comfortable being in this world? Without Eternal Light to guide and comfort us, life can quickly turn into a terrifying nightmare or a seriously 'bad trip' and endings or losses can easily be misconceived as 'bad omens' – signs that we have done something wrong. Our deep seated feelings of alienation from Source have been massively compounded by the false belief that we are all intrinsically bad and have been put here on Earth to suffer as some sort of horrific punishment for our sins. (I ask you in all sincerity, what loving God would EVER do something so awful? Would you do this to your children if they upset you!?)

We chose to separate from God; to walk the path of free will and individual consciousness. We are not being punished, we are simply learning – just as a child learns as they separate from their parents and develop into a unique individual. Yes, of course there are consequences for our actions – both positive and negative – but the cycle of life by its very nature demands endings, losses and separation just as often as it brings about birth, union and new beginnings. There is nothing 'good' or 'bad' about this – it is simply nature's way.

We are constantly being reminded of this essential truth about life through the seasons, the tides and the phases of the Moon; through women's monthly menses and the life cycle of birth, marriage and death. Life ebbs and flows all around us simply because this flow of energy is essential to the healthy functioning of this amazing planet. Yes, losses hurt – but that is what our tears are for – so we can express our sadness and pain and then gently move on.

To learn to gracefully accept endings, all we need do is let go of the belief that when something comes to an end or we suffer a loss, that there is something wrong or that it is some kind of punishment from an angry, disapproving God. If we look to nature to show us the way, it all becomes so simple and so clear: When something comes to an end, all it means is that it is time to make way for something new!

Freja ♥ © December 2011

Why is it that people feel shame about being single?

'The best way to deal with shame is to talk about whatever it is that makes you squirm and want to hide under the blanket.'

Freja ♥

We live in a society where individuals are free to choose all aspects of their life style. Gone are the days when a woman was passed from father to husband like a prized jewel or a marketable cow. Gone are the days of shot gun weddings, 'illegitimate' children, and the the fear of becoming an old maid at the tender age of 25. When it comes to sex and marriage, society has changed beyond all recognition, so why is it that people still feel so much shame about being single?

I used to think it was 'natural loneliness' that drove me to join one online agency after another and endure endless dates with men who were completely devoid of even the most rudimentary manners.

But after the ending of my most recent relationship I was reminded once again of an inescapable truth: There is nothing more lonely than living with someone who doesn't love you - at least when you're single you're free to focus your time and attention on people who do love and care for you. After the initial shock and grief of the latest break up I thought I'd finally cracked it: I was happy and single – and if one day a lovely man should come along, he knew he would be the cherry on the cake not the eggs, milk and flour.

The it started, that old familiar feeling like a dark heavy cloud creeping slowly across the sun. I checked in with myself to see what I was feeling; lonely? No. Desperate for sex? No. Bored and in need of some drama or excitement? No. I decided to sit with this feeling until finally I was face to face with what was making me feel so bad and much to my surprise I discovered it was shame. I was absolutely horrified to hear the voice of shame that said 'no man wants you and therefore you are a failure, an outcast, an absolute reject'. In the eyes of shame, it never matters how great I think I am, or how wonderful my friends say I am, it doesn't matter how amazing my life is or what I achieve in the world – if no man has granted me his 'seal of approval' then shame quietly points out to me that if I am still single, then I must be completely worthless.

This may sound harsh but that is exactly what I discovered lurking in the core of my being when I stripped away all the layers of 'perfectly natural' loneliness, the urgent desire for sex, the feeling that something is missing and the wistful belief in my very own 'happy ever after'. And, knowing as many single women as I do, I also know I am far from alone in experiencing this insidious, excruciating shame. Are women really are free of the shackles of social control, or has the oppression has simply been sublimated and hidden from view, making us think we are now choosing to go bonkers in the quest for His love?

Things are difficult for men too, after all we all live together in this shame based society. If a man manages to cleverly avoid being 'tied down' by a woman, then he is expected to be out there having sex with everyone and anyone, (as long, of course, as it is not with someone wearing pig tails or long shorts which is the only sexually addicted behaviour that is frowned upon these days.) I have met many men who have no interest in 'sleeping around' but who feel shame about not having done it – as if this would have somehow made him more of a man.

Despite the 1960s 'sexual revolution', it appears that women and men are still carrying huge amounts of shame about their sexuality. We can't simply be, instead we have to constantly find ways to prove our sexual worth. The shape and form of the shame many vary between the sexes, and even between individuals – but it is always there; ugly, pervasive and cunningly well hidden. That's the problem with shame, it lurks in the shadows and is such an uncomfortable feeling most of us will do anything to hide it, even from ourselves.

A wise person once told me; shame doesn't live in the light and I have discovered that they were absolutely right. The best way to deal with shame is to talk about whatever makes you squirm and want to hide under the blanket. I was shocked to discover that not only do I feel ashamed of being single, but I also feel deeply ashamed that in this day and age, I can still feel this way. (I should have more self respect than that!) But I'd much rather own up to my feelings of shame than continue pretending that I am experiencing one of the more socially acceptable feelings of loneliness, horniness, wanting a baby or some dreamy notion of being rescued.

I wonder how many of us are running around sleeping with strangers, going on endless disappointing dates or slowly suffocating in painful, unloving relationships just because we are afraid of feeling ashamed? (Ashamed of not being 'man enough' or of not being cheerfully claimed and taken off The Shelf.) Maybe if we started admitting to our feelings of shame we could finally begin to heal the buried wounds caused by thousands of years of social-sexual oppression. Perhaps we could begin to experience true freedom from the realisation that none of us have anything to prove to anyone through our sexual encounters or relationships with others. After all, true self acceptance can only come from letting go of external judgements and living a life that is true to oneself.

Freja ♥ © November 2011

Additional note for Manifesting Mr Wonderful readers:

There is absolutely nothing shameful about wanting a positive loving relationship or to meet the right man. However, I highly recommend checking to see if you are motivated by feelings of shame about being single or if this shame is hidden somewhere in your unconscious because it will only stand in the way of you manifesting what you want. I now believe this 'shame of being single' plays a major role in blocking women's ability to manifest positive relationships; there really is nothing more effective at lowering your vibration and your standards. Shame is an incredibly powerful emotion and our unconscious fear of it can lead us far away from self caring decisions. If we really want to raise our energetic vibration then we must begin by confronting any conscious or hidden reservoirs of shame.

F ♥