How do we know when we are 'on track' with our lives?

'Once you can truly let go of the need for validation and approval from others, you are ready to follow the path of the soul.' Freja ♥

Most of us have clear idea of what we would like to achieve in life. For many people this may mean working hard to enjoy a comfortable life style, doing a good job bringing up children or achieving career success. While personal goals can be clear cut and easy to measure for some people, for others they can feel vague, changeable or even contradictory. Whether our journey is as straight as an arrow or meanders like a river, how do we know when we are 'on track' with our lives?

There are two entities that drive and steer your life journey; your ego and your soul. These two aspects of your 'self' often contradict each other because their way of going about things is diametrically opposed. How someone chooses to live their life will largely depend on which of these two entities gets to set the agenda and make the decisions.

We all need an ego in order to experience being a separate individual. However, the ego is far more limited and limiting than the soul. The ego acts like stabilisers on a bike – while you are learning they are supportive but at some point you need to let them go or they will just slow you down and get in the way. The ego enables you to define yourself as a separate individual, but at some point, if you really want to evolve to your greatest potential, you need to say good bye to its limitations.

Like stabilisers, the ego is also concerned with safety. It seeks make your place in the world safe by helping you to 'fit in'. First and most importantly your ego seeks acceptance from your parents and family. Then, as you get older, your ego seeks to help you to 'fit in' with peers and society as a whole. Its primary aim is to ensure that you don't lose favour because being rejected or abandoned makes your position unsafe.

From the perspective of ego it is easy to know when we are on track. The ego relaxes when we receive recognition, validation, acceptance, love, money, promotion, praise, popularity – anything which offers assurance that you are 'doing well' in the eyes of others. While we all need ego reinforcements from time to time, when we live in accordance with ego, the approval of others is all that really matters. The more people like, reward and and praise us, the more secure we feel.

Contrary to popular belief, a strong ego is both positive and absolutely essential to our wellbeing. The more ego re-enforcing 'positive strokes' we receive as children, the greater our confidence and self esteem will be. If we trust our place in the world, it is much easier to let go of those external 'stabilisers' once we reach adulthood. If we reach adulthood with an under developed ego, then we remain in a childlike 'egocentric' state, continually seeking acceptance and validation from others. It is very hard to take the stabilisers off when you feel anxious and wobbly inside.

The soul requires you to have a strong enough ego to be able to live your life regardless of approval, praise or reward. Being dependent on external validation limits your potential for growth and also makes you vulnerable to power games. Approval can easily be withdrawn, withheld or denied and the ego finds it hard to remain detatched or to rise above such manipulations. Once you can truly let go of the need for validation and approval from others, you are ready to follow the path of soul.

The hardest part of living from the soul is breaking the deeply ingrained habit of looking outside for validation and remembering to look within. Cycling without stabilisers requires you to learn to inwardly feel where the balance lies. In the same way, to enable your soul to guide you, you must first find your inner balance. Once you can easily locate your inner centre and comfortably keep your balance, you are ready to go where ever your soul leads you.

Following the soul is very different than living from the ego because it allows so much freedom and possibility – you can literally go where ever you like. With so many choices suddenly made available to you, how do you know where you should be going or what you should be doing? Well here's the rub; there really is no where that you should be going or anything you should be doing – if you find that you are thinking in terms of 'shoulds' then you know you are back to ego!

Following the soul requires that you feel where you want to go. What makes you feel excited or joyful? What intrigues you and captures your attention? What challenges you to grow and brings out the best in you? What feels good and sits comfortably with your values? Asking such questions about how we feel from a place of inner balance enables us to follow the guidance of our soul and to intuitively know when we are 'on track'.

Although the soul speaks through your feelings, it is important to distinguish between a compulsive feeling and a genuine message from the soul. If a feeling starts to pull you off balance, encourages you away from your inner centre or towards gaining approval or validation then it is not coming from your soul, it is coming from your wounded or frightened ego. Although the soul will sometimes challenge us to the very core, its gentle whispers are always lead you deeper into your inner centre while simultaneously encouraging you to be courageous and free.

Freja ♥

How do we know if we are following a dream or chasing a mirage?

'Whatever it is that feels so acutely missing in our lives, is the very thing we must take responsibility for nurturing in ourselves.'

Over the last 12 months I have had to let go of every single dream I have ever held dear. I never realised quite how attached to them I was until one by one, they each came up; all bright and rosy only to be burst with a big loud 'bang'. I have discovered that these dreams I have so passionately pursued were actually mirages and that continuing to chase after them was self destructive. So, how can we tell if we are heroically following our dream or foolishly chasing a mirage?

Secretly I have been waiting for my 'real' life to start through the the fulfillment of at least one of these dreams. Like a petulant child, I have tried bargaining with God many times and have often bitterly complained – please can't I at least have one of them come true? I suspect that somewhere deep inside, most of us feel we are missing something and if we could only our hands on it, we would finally be able to relax and enjoy life.

For many of us there is at least one thing we crave - I call it the 'happy ending' dream; finally finding our One True Love; finally having a 'not so wonderful' lover magically transform and turn out to be our One True Love after all; finally healing a devastating life long family rift; finally being validated in the 'right' career; finally achieving success, acclaim, or a fabulous salary, and if all else fails then we may pine after the ultimate escape – finally receiving a big fat windfall so you don't have to worry about anything at all!

It may sound embarrassing admitting to any of these flights of fancy, but it really is no joke to feel that your life is worthless until something external has been granted to you. Because ultimately that's what all our 'happy ending' dreams are about - finally receiving some form of external validation that we are loved, valued and accepted for who we truly are. The natural response any wound is to seek something outside of ourselves to 'make it better'. Hopefully this will save us from the devastating inner belief that somehow - without this external validation - we are simply not enough. Whether it is love or sex or success or money or acceptance that we desperately crave, it is a painful lesson indeed to realise we can never fill that gaping hole.

There is a huge difference between following a dream that is born out of recognising our heart's desire and one that stems from trying to avoid pain or save us from wounds that have been inflicted on us in the past. Chasing or pining for the ever elusive happy ending is a dream based on fear and will only takes us further away from our authentic selves and deeper into our pain. Whatever solution we seek 'out there' can only ever turn out to be a mirage. The continued lack of closure and the devastating feelings of failure, shame and despair that go with it, leads us ever deeper into a negative cycle that becomes increasingly difficult to let go of.

Once we step back, we will discover that we have become addicted to trying to change the outcome of a sad story, instead of finding a way to accept it and come to terms with our loss. Whatever it was that happened to cause our wound, if we are waiting for those who hurt us to finally see the error of their ways or to magically change we will always feel disappointed and betrayed. We often find ourselves repeating the same patterns over and over again because we do not want to accept the ending has already happened. All we can do is find a way to come to terms with the fact that it wasn't happy and that we were wounded by this.

Of course, the more unhappy our ending was, the harder it is to accept. But if we are ever to stop reliving the pain and our powerlessness over the past, then accept it we must. This becomes much easier to do this when we decide to finally give ourselves that which was originally denied us, instead of desperately trying to get others to give it or naively waiting for the story to change. Whatever it was that feels so acutely missing in our lives, is the very thing we must take responsibility for nurturing in ourselves.

We must learn to give ourselves the love, acceptance, security, validation and respect that we need because in the end, the rest of world is just as lost and wounded as we are. It is only a vulnerable child who must look to the world outside for validation; as an empowered adult you can find a way to give yourself whatever you need without chasing after mirages. And if you don't know how? You can choose to get help and learn how. Allow the story ending be whatever it was and find some other way to give yourself what was lost.

And if instead of feeling a fearful craving you feel excited, joyful and expansive when following your dream – then you know it is not a mirage you are chasing, but a genuine calling from your soul.

Freja ♥

Can we learn to meet all endings with graceful acceptance?

'The cycle of life by its very nature demands endings, losses and separation just as often as it brings about union, birth and new beginnings.' Freja ♥

We live in a world where the one thing you can completely rely upon is that 'all good things will come to an end'. Actually, all bad things will too – everything comes to an end at some point or other. So, if endings are such an intrinsic and inevitable part of life, then why is it that when faced with any sort of ending, often our instinct is to recoil from the experience in abject horror or to try hanging on for dear life? Can we ever really meet endings with graceful acceptance?

If you were to observe a tree, you would notice that it neither stubbornly hangs on to its leaves in winter nor does it throw its ripened fruit onto the ground in a disgruntled tantrum - it simply lets go when it is the right time to do so. Animals feel and display grief, but an animal mother simply cannot not afford to stand around lamenting the loss of her off spring in the wild. Death, after all, is as much a part of life as birth and animals seem to know how to take it all their stride – indeed their very survival depends on it. While emotional attachment is definitely not peculiar to human beings, it would seem that a deep terror of endings is.

What makes human beings different from other animals is our spiritual role here on Earth. We are of this world – we live in bodies of flesh and eventually die, just like every living thing on the planet. But we are also aware on a deep inner level that this world really isn't 'it', that there is something else, something eternal, something so much greater and more permanent than the cycle of life and death that we experience here on Earth. It is this intrinsic inner knowing that makes us yearn to go back to the Oneness from where we have come, that causes us to seek eternal youth and to hope that good things will 'never end'. (I am not suggesting animals are not spiritual beings too, just that they play a different role than we do.)

The further we have collectively traveled along our path away from our spiritual origins, the deeper we have gone into the experience of 'separation' from the Divine. The more separated we have felt, the harder it has been for us to cope with life on Earth, with all Her endings, losses and pain. As our experience of separation from God (Light and Love) deepened, we even began to believe that the necessary pain of endings is 'bad', that it is a sign that we are out of favour with God – that ultimately bad things only happen to us because we are being punished for our sins.

You may like to believe that this thinking doesn't apply to you – but if you have ever over reacted to or tried to avoid endings in your life, then dig a bit deeper and you will discover a deep, unconscious belief that an ending means that there is something wrong – with you, with your life or possibly with both. If you follow this collective belief back to our ancient ancestry, it can easily be traced back to the story of Adam and Eve. It is through this story we came to believe that pain, suffering and death were given to us as a punishment for disobeying God. Yep, there it is! Deep down, collectively we came to believe that endings are intended as painful a punishment for being bad – not simply the way of this magical world!

Our fear of the dark, of menstruation, death, endings and all things wild and feminine, is rooted in our frightening experience of separation from the Divine. If we do not feel essentially connected to our spiritual origins, to the Source of All Life, how can we possibly feel comfortable being in this world? Without Eternal Light to guide and comfort us, life can quickly turn into a terrifying nightmare or a seriously 'bad trip' and endings or losses can easily be misconceived as 'bad omens' – signs that we have done something wrong. Our deep seated feelings of alienation from Source have been massively compounded by the false belief that we are all intrinsically bad and have been put here on Earth to suffer as some sort of horrific punishment for our sins. (I ask you in all sincerity, what loving God would EVER do something so awful? Would you do this to your children if they upset you!?)

We chose to separate from God; to walk the path of free will and individual consciousness. We are not being punished, we are simply learning – just as a child learns as they separate from their parents and develop into a unique individual. Yes, of course there are consequences for our actions – both positive and negative – but the cycle of life by its very nature demands endings, losses and separation just as often as it brings about birth, union and new beginnings. There is nothing 'good' or 'bad' about this – it is simply nature's way.

We are constantly being reminded of this essential truth about life through the seasons, the tides and the phases of the Moon; through women's monthly menses and the life cycle of birth, marriage and death. Life ebbs and flows all around us simply because this flow of energy is essential to the healthy functioning of this amazing planet. Yes, losses hurt – but that is what our tears are for – so we can express our sadness and pain and then gently move on.

To learn to gracefully accept endings, all we need do is let go of the belief that when something comes to an end or we suffer a loss, that there is something wrong or that it is some kind of punishment from an angry, disapproving God. If we look to nature to show us the way, it all becomes so simple and so clear: When something comes to an end, all it means is that it is time to make way for something new!

Freja ♥ © December 2011

Why is it that people feel shame about being single?

'The best way to deal with shame is to talk about whatever it is that makes you squirm and want to hide under the blanket.'

Freja ♥

We live in a society where individuals are free to choose all aspects of their life style. Gone are the days when a woman was passed from father to husband like a prized jewel or a marketable cow. Gone are the days of shot gun weddings, 'illegitimate' children, and the the fear of becoming an old maid at the tender age of 25. When it comes to sex and marriage, society has changed beyond all recognition, so why is it that people still feel so much shame about being single?

I used to think it was 'natural loneliness' that drove me to join one online agency after another and endure endless dates with men who were completely devoid of even the most rudimentary manners.

But after the ending of my most recent relationship I was reminded once again of an inescapable truth: There is nothing more lonely than living with someone who doesn't love you - at least when you're single you're free to focus your time and attention on people who do love and care for you. After the initial shock and grief of the latest break up I thought I'd finally cracked it: I was happy and single – and if one day a lovely man should come along, he knew he would be the cherry on the cake not the eggs, milk and flour.

The it started, that old familiar feeling like a dark heavy cloud creeping slowly across the sun. I checked in with myself to see what I was feeling; lonely? No. Desperate for sex? No. Bored and in need of some drama or excitement? No. I decided to sit with this feeling until finally I was face to face with what was making me feel so bad and much to my surprise I discovered it was shame. I was absolutely horrified to hear the voice of shame that said 'no man wants you and therefore you are a failure, an outcast, an absolute reject'. In the eyes of shame, it never matters how great I think I am, or how wonderful my friends say I am, it doesn't matter how amazing my life is or what I achieve in the world – if no man has granted me his 'seal of approval' then shame quietly points out to me that if I am still single, then I must be completely worthless.

This may sound harsh but that is exactly what I discovered lurking in the core of my being when I stripped away all the layers of 'perfectly natural' loneliness, the urgent desire for sex, the feeling that something is missing and the wistful belief in my very own 'happy ever after'. And, knowing as many single women as I do, I also know I am far from alone in experiencing this insidious, excruciating shame. Are women really are free of the shackles of social control, or has the oppression has simply been sublimated and hidden from view, making us think we are now choosing to go bonkers in the quest for His love?

Things are difficult for men too, after all we all live together in this shame based society. If a man manages to cleverly avoid being 'tied down' by a woman, then he is expected to be out there having sex with everyone and anyone, (as long, of course, as it is not with someone wearing pig tails or long shorts which is the only sexually addicted behaviour that is frowned upon these days.) I have met many men who have no interest in 'sleeping around' but who feel shame about not having done it – as if this would have somehow made him more of a man.

Despite the 1960s 'sexual revolution', it appears that women and men are still carrying huge amounts of shame about their sexuality. We can't simply be, instead we have to constantly find ways to prove our sexual worth. The shape and form of the shame many vary between the sexes, and even between individuals – but it is always there; ugly, pervasive and cunningly well hidden. That's the problem with shame, it lurks in the shadows and is such an uncomfortable feeling most of us will do anything to hide it, even from ourselves.

A wise person once told me; shame doesn't live in the light and I have discovered that they were absolutely right. The best way to deal with shame is to talk about whatever makes you squirm and want to hide under the blanket. I was shocked to discover that not only do I feel ashamed of being single, but I also feel deeply ashamed that in this day and age, I can still feel this way. (I should have more self respect than that!) But I'd much rather own up to my feelings of shame than continue pretending that I am experiencing one of the more socially acceptable feelings of loneliness, horniness, wanting a baby or some dreamy notion of being rescued.

I wonder how many of us are running around sleeping with strangers, going on endless disappointing dates or slowly suffocating in painful, unloving relationships just because we are afraid of feeling ashamed? (Ashamed of not being 'man enough' or of not being cheerfully claimed and taken off The Shelf.) Maybe if we started admitting to our feelings of shame we could finally begin to heal the buried wounds caused by thousands of years of social-sexual oppression. Perhaps we could begin to experience true freedom from the realisation that none of us have anything to prove to anyone through our sexual encounters or relationships with others. After all, true self acceptance can only come from letting go of external judgements and living a life that is true to oneself.

Freja ♥ © November 2011

Additional note for Manifesting Mr Wonderful readers:

There is absolutely nothing shameful about wanting a positive loving relationship or to meet the right man. However, I highly recommend checking to see if you are motivated by feelings of shame about being single or if this shame is hidden somewhere in your unconscious because it will only stand in the way of you manifesting what you want. I now believe this 'shame of being single' plays a major role in blocking women's ability to manifest positive relationships; there really is nothing more effective at lowering your vibration and your standards. Shame is an incredibly powerful emotion and our unconscious fear of it can lead us far away from self caring decisions. If we really want to raise our energetic vibration then we must begin by confronting any conscious or hidden reservoirs of shame.

F ♥

How can we heal our wounds?

 ‘It is both brave and self loving to invite the gift of healing into your life.’ 

Freja ♥

We have all suffered. There is not a human alive who will not suffer any pain. It is part of life’s rich tapestry. It cannot be avoided and yet we spend a lot of time, energy and money trying to do just that – avoid the inevitable. And when we fail and do get hurt, we balk at the prospect of having to spend the time, energy or money it takes to heal. Yet this healing can bring a deep richness and fulfillment to our lives. We are missing an amazing opportunity to grow and deepen our experiences of life when we try to avoid pain or the healing process. And ironically this avoidance only causes more pain and suffering.

Life is, in part at least, about our healing. If we ignore this part of our psyche then it comes to us in our dreams, our illnesses and our regrets. We are put on this earth to grow and part of that growth is learning through pain and the wonderful gift of the healing process. Accepting and engaging in healing is what brings us closer to ourselves and to our Higher Power. It ultimately brings us closer to others as we become able to share our deeper authentic selves.

Healing is the magical rainbow that stretches over the darkened sky as the sun rays of hope illuminate the rain tears that fall, replenishing the earth. Without the rain, there would be no renewal and no rainbows to wonder at. The sun is the willingness within us to illuminate that which darkens our sky. The rain is the willingness to shed tears – to feel the pain. And the rainbow is the gift when the two come together in a beautiful release.

So how do we heal? How do we embrace our wounded selves and immerse ourselves in the challenge of facing the truth and the all the pain that accompanies our woundedness? Well it certainly isn’t easy. Nor is it, as I have discovered to my frustration, a linear process. Nor does the healing eradicate the wound altogether. A wound will always leave a scar, one we can grow to be proud of.

I have found that once you acknowledge that you have a wound and it needs attending the next step is to accept that you are not alone. You are truly not unique in your suffering. Our lives and our souls are unique – but we are all human and we share this common experience called pain. You can be assured that someone, somewhere has felt what you have felt, has experienced the depths of despair that you have gone to. The details of the story and the ways we cope may vary, but rest assured, your pain is absolutely universal and your wound(s) are shared by many.

I think the single most limiting belief that gets in the way of our healing journey is thinking that we are somehow unique in our suffering. Although for many it brings relief to realise that we are not alone and that others have been through what we have been through, it can also be humbling to realise we are not special in our suffering. We cannot heal when we separate ourselves from humanity by believing that our problems are either different from or worse than everyone else’s or that no one would ever understand or accept our pain. This simply isn’t true.

If our parents were not there to emotionally support us when we were children this belief can be very hard to budge because it protected us from feeling the depth of our despair at a time we were unable to deal with it. But in the long run, holding onto the belief that we are unique in our suffering only alienates us from our selves, God and the rest of humanity and it is guaranteed to steadfastly prohibit any healing. To heal you have to join the human race. We are truly all in this together.

Once we have admitted we have a wound and have realised we are not in this alone, we are free to humbly seek support. There are many options available to us when we are ready to face the work involved. We can join a self help group – (this is great for helping to break the fantasy that we are unique in our suffering). We can go and find an appropriate professional councillor or therapist to support us in our healing journey.

Sometimes the wound is not so deep rooted and all it takes is a long honest talk with a friend, lover or relative. We can even talk to someone random. We can ring a helpline and speak to a loving stranger who will really listen to us. We can read literature or search the web so that we can educate ourselves on our particular issue. We can start a journal or use art/ poetry/ music/ creative writing to explore and/or share our deeper selves. We can find a spiritual practice to follow like yoga, meditation, chanting, or the 12 Steps. We can find a new spiritual group to join or return to our religious roots by going to a church, mosque, temple or synagogue. We can go, open hearted, to be embraced and healed by nature or through her crystals, plants and animals. Be sure, there is always support for those who seek it.

Once we know we need to heal and accept that we are not alone and have started to look for sources of support, our next step can be to ask our Higher Power to help us and see what comes to our aid. You can be assured that if you commit to healing yourself and ask the Universe for assistance, it will come. Maybe not in the way that you expect or want and maybe not in the time scale we imagine, but help will be there. The one thing that you can be sure of is that Life wants you to heal and be happy more than anything in the world and it will answer your call when you are ready to do the healing work. Life does not stand in the way of those that are courageous enough to take the journey of healing. The only limit we struggle against is our own resistance. And of course you can even ask God to help you with that…

So, become willing to allow the sun to shine its illuminating rays on all your dark clouds. Be willing to go beneath the blanket of any general suffering to get to the root cause. It is both brave and self loving to invite the gift of healing into your life. Never in the history of humanity, has facing and healing our woundedness been more important with the collective social challenges we now face. And never has it been so easy to get the support and information we need to help us along the way… It’s time to take full advantage.

by Freja ♥ © October 2007

How do we create a community life for ourselves?

‘We need community life to experience a sense of belonging, value and social empowerment.’ Freja ♥

I read a magazine at the doctor’s the other day that said that in the recent floods (in the Gloucester area) people over the age of 65 had coped far better than the younger victims. This was because they had experienced the war and they knew how to pull together in a crisis. In WW2 there was a tremendous sense of purpose and rallying together which enabled people to cope with all the loss and threat to survival. People often say we (in the West) have lost our sense of community and that our social fabric has become eroded and fragmented. The inherent selfishness of consumerism and individualism are often seen as the culprits. It seems that all we collectively care about today is trying to make life as easy and convenient as possible for ourselves.

In all our privilege and comfort, we seem to have lost something important – a sense of community. We all know that when human beings come together with purpose and determination, amazing things can be achieved and challenges overcome. So what happens when we no longer have something big to fight against like war, absolute poverty, famine, or disease?

Community living has been made optional by our society’s success – most people don’t need their local community to survive and so many choose not to get involved at all. When you know you can have your own garden/ car/ computer/ T.V. – why share one? When you know that you are safe in bed at night because wars only happen ‘over there’ in some foreign land – there is no point in getting to know your neighbours – after all, you’ll never need to rely on them for anything. When you know you can go to the local supermarket and get anything you want to eat from anywhere in the world – why bother learning the skills for growing, catching, preparing, cooking or preserving food from the elders in your community? If we need something, we only have to buy it – we don’t have to bother forging relationships, sharing or learning skills from those around us to get what we need on a material level.

But what happens when disaster strikes? What happens if you never get married or have children – who do you rely on then? And what about when the oil runs out or something else stops our food chain in its industrial tracks? How can our communities support us when they are not functioning because we have forgotten how to share and support each other and we have handed all our collective power over to big business and the Government?

We don’t just need our fellows to survive on a material level. We need each other for belonging and spiritual connectedness. Since we collectively left the Church and the extended family we have increasingly put pressure on our primary sexual relationships to be ‘all things’ to us. Marriage (or a sexual relationship) was never intended to replace community. The nuclear family model has encouraged us to separate ourselves from the rest of our community in self sufficiency and privacy. But what happens when the relationship struggles, fails or someone dies?

The truth is; a huge amount of the loneliness and depression that is endemic in our society is born out of this lack of belonging to a larger community. We feel empty, disconnected and afraid and we don’t know why. Feeling secure and valued within a large community of people is an amazing antidote to the sense of separation our society engenders. We need community life to experience a sense of belonging, value and empowerment. Family and close friends play an important role but even they cannot replace living as part of a ‘village’ or belonging to a larger, impersonal group. In such a community we can experience being lovingly accepted whilst also maintaining our personal identity and values because the expectations of us are much lower than in personal relationships. You don’t have to be emotionally involved with people to feel a sense of belonging and spiritual unity.

So, how do we create a community life for ourselves? Where ever you live, you can start by being willing to get to know the people who live near by. Start small; say hello, or smile at people when passing by, even if you don’t know them. Shop locally and take the time to chat to your local shop keepers – friendliness always goes a long way. If you get your paper delivered, consider walking or cycling to the shop instead. Be willing to stop and chat on the street. You’d be amazed at how great this feels!

If you are feeling a bit more confident you could get more adventurous; find out what activities are happening locally and get involved or at least show your face… Knock on a neighbour’s door to borrow something or ask for help. Invite someone round for a cuppa, or host a neighbour’s drinks night. If nothing is happening where you live, or you don’t fancy what’s on offer, start your own thing. You could organise a street party, fête or Christmas fair!

If you are more comfortable taking a practical approach there are also many things you can do. Start or join a community garden, allotment or orchard. Do some conservation work. Contribute to or start a local rag. Organise some litter picking, or gardening for elderly neighbours. Start a child care swap or sharing circle…

There are always things you can do to help improve your neighbourhood or the lives of those who live in it. All you need is willingness and patience. You can take your time and see what works for you and your community. Most people are just waiting for an excuse to reach out to their neighbours and will welcome your enthusiasm. Remember – the point of getting involved is both to enrich your life and to create a strong, empowered and effective community. Getting involved will give you more social connectedness and a wonderful sense of pride in where you live.

by Freja ♥ © September 2007

What do we do to distract ourselves?

‘Your relationship with yourself is the foundation of your life.’ Freja ♥

When I was teaching I’d sometimes drop into class discussions that I don’t have a TV, just because I never ceased to be amazed by the reaction I got. When I first mentioned it in passing, my comment was met by silent dropped jaws followed quickly by looks of utter shock while the class computed this alien idea. Then came the questions… ‘Do I have internet?’ ‘Do I have a radio?’ Then comes the final, often desperate question, ‘what do you do?’ They literally can’t imagine life without TV! I usually explain that I sometimes watch DVD films on my computer – and the relief in the class is palpable. Somehow their reality is restored knowing that I have some kind of distraction to fall back on.

The truth is we are all guilty of at least some distraction and TV is certainly not the only way we like to get distracted. Drinking too much, shopping sprees, working every hour God sends, keeping ‘ever-so-busy’, moving house/job/city/country a lot, having an affair, reading yet another gripping novel, blogging or surfing the night away, partying every weekend… the list is endless! I am not suggesting all these activities are only ever a distraction, nor am I saying that a little distraction from the stresses of life is always a bad thing. The issue is not so much what we are doing but how and why we are doing it. What effect is the distraction having on the quality of our lives?

So, what do you do to keep yourself distracted? Does it take up loads of your time? Does it bring you closer to what you want to be doing or does it get in the way? How does it affect your relationships to your loved ones? Does it make you a happier person or does it make you forget yourself? And can your bank balance take it or does it mean you have to work that much harder? If you have a sneaking suspicion that you may be chronically distracting yourself then the first step that will lead to any change is awareness. When you ask yourself the above questions, be honest with yourself!

The next step is coming to understand why you are distracting yourself. When we are being distracted we can successfully avoid all sorts of things, for a time. Firstly and most obviously, we can avoid painful feelings – loneliness, frustration, emptiness, fear, anger, powerlessness, grief etc. Zoning out in front of a screen or downing a couple of glasses of wine/pints of beer after work can be mind numbing. It can seem like a welcome relief from the stresses of the day: It takes us away and switches us off.

A mind that is numb also is blissfully unaware of all those underlying feelings we may be carrying. They may start creeping into our lives in other ways, like through our nocturnal dreams, our sleeplessness, or that nagging feeling that catches us off guard every now and then. The problem is if we don’t know how we are feeling how can we make good decisions about our lives? Feelings are indicators of ‘where we are at’. They tell us if we are off course, if we need to make changes, and which changes are going to be most beneficial to us. If we can’t feel, then how do we know if our marriage is really working for us or whether we need to go for that promotion right now?

We can also use distraction to avoid communicating, being intimate and having to face the array of feelings and challenges brought on by relating to those we share our lives with. Just imagine sitting around or in front of a fire with a group of people. You talk, you sing, you stoke the fire, tell stories or jokes. Invariably musical instruments appear and perhaps you listen to a performance or you all join in a group effort. Sometimes there will be food to cook, kettles to boil or marshmallows to toast. Everyone who is part of the fire circle will have to relate, negotiate and cooperate.

Now imagine sitting with them in front of the telly… Conversation is killed – especially if someone actually wants to watch the programme that is on. Minds glaze over as you all ‘switch off’. It is always passive entertainment – your input is not required unless it is to send your vote to have some random person you have no relationship with evicted from some pointless show. The only communal side to watching the box is when someone calls you over to watch your favourite programme, a partner cuddles up to you or when you argue over who has control of the remote. Most of our chronic distractions will take us away from intimacy and the challenges of really relating to people which makes life seem somehow safer and easier.

There is a time and a place for distraction – even some communal distraction can be fun and uplifting. But there is also a time and a place for getting to know ourselves and those we share our lives with. We can turn off the din of the media or the pub, we can go for a walk, ring a friend, do some journal writing, have a massage or sauna, write a letter, read an inspiring book, stare at a fire or out of a train window, meditate, have a good cry, write a poem or a song, practice some yoga or Tai Chi, build a fire… the list is endless.

What I have come to realise is that I don’t have to get into the whole ‘good for me’ v ‘bad for me’ debate. I can ask myself in any given situation ‘what will genuinely make me feel better right now?’ If it is a bit of distraction – fine. If it is sitting by myself watching a river go by – so be it. If is having a chat with someone I love – great. Remember it’s not so much what you do its how/why you do it that really counts. And if you are doing something out of habit or desperation it may be time for a change. The easiest way to become empowered is to give yourself several choices and then pick the one that you know will ultimately feel good – even if it is a bit scary! And always remember – your relationship to yourself is the foundation of your life…

by Freja ♥ © August 2007