‘Your relationship with yourself is the foundation of your life.’ Freja ♥
When I was teaching I’d sometimes drop into class discussions that I don’t have a TV, just because I never ceased to be amazed by the reaction I got. When I first mentioned it in passing, my comment was met by silent dropped jaws followed quickly by looks of utter shock while the class computed this alien idea. Then came the questions… ‘Do I have internet?’ ‘Do I have a radio?’ Then comes the final, often desperate question, ‘what do you do?’ They literally can’t imagine life without TV! I usually explain that I sometimes watch DVD films on my computer – and the relief in the class is palpable. Somehow their reality is restored knowing that I have some kind of distraction to fall back on.
The truth is we are all guilty of at least some distraction and TV is certainly not the only way we like to get distracted. Drinking too much, shopping sprees, working every hour God sends, keeping ‘ever-so-busy’, moving house/job/city/country a lot, having an affair, reading yet another gripping novel, blogging or surfing the night away, partying every weekend… the list is endless! I am not suggesting all these activities are only ever a distraction, nor am I saying that a little distraction from the stresses of life is always a bad thing. The issue is not so much what we are doing but how and why we are doing it. What effect is the distraction having on the quality of our lives?
So, what do you do to keep yourself distracted? Does it take up loads of your time? Does it bring you closer to what you want to be doing or does it get in the way? How does it affect your relationships to your loved ones? Does it make you a happier person or does it make you forget yourself? And can your bank balance take it or does it mean you have to work that much harder? If you have a sneaking suspicion that you may be chronically distracting yourself then the first step that will lead to any change is awareness. When you ask yourself the above questions, be honest with yourself!
The next step is coming to understand why you are distracting yourself. When we are being distracted we can successfully avoid all sorts of things, for a time. Firstly and most obviously, we can avoid painful feelings – loneliness, frustration, emptiness, fear, anger, powerlessness, grief etc. Zoning out in front of a screen or downing a couple of glasses of wine/pints of beer after work can be mind numbing. It can seem like a welcome relief from the stresses of the day: It takes us away and switches us off.
A mind that is numb also is blissfully unaware of all those underlying feelings we may be carrying. They may start creeping into our lives in other ways, like through our nocturnal dreams, our sleeplessness, or that nagging feeling that catches us off guard every now and then. The problem is if we don’t know how we are feeling how can we make good decisions about our lives? Feelings are indicators of ‘where we are at’. They tell us if we are off course, if we need to make changes, and which changes are going to be most beneficial to us. If we can’t feel, then how do we know if our marriage is really working for us or whether we need to go for that promotion right now?
We can also use distraction to avoid communicating, being intimate and having to face the array of feelings and challenges brought on by relating to those we share our lives with. Just imagine sitting around or in front of a fire with a group of people. You talk, you sing, you stoke the fire, tell stories or jokes. Invariably musical instruments appear and perhaps you listen to a performance or you all join in a group effort. Sometimes there will be food to cook, kettles to boil or marshmallows to toast. Everyone who is part of the fire circle will have to relate, negotiate and cooperate.
Now imagine sitting with them in front of the telly… Conversation is killed – especially if someone actually wants to watch the programme that is on. Minds glaze over as you all ‘switch off’. It is always passive entertainment – your input is not required unless it is to send your vote to have some random person you have no relationship with evicted from some pointless show. The only communal side to watching the box is when someone calls you over to watch your favourite programme, a partner cuddles up to you or when you argue over who has control of the remote. Most of our chronic distractions will take us away from intimacy and the challenges of really relating to people which makes life seem somehow safer and easier.
There is a time and a place for distraction – even some communal distraction can be fun and uplifting. But there is also a time and a place for getting to know ourselves and those we share our lives with. We can turn off the din of the media or the pub, we can go for a walk, ring a friend, do some journal writing, have a massage or sauna, write a letter, read an inspiring book, stare at a fire or out of a train window, meditate, have a good cry, write a poem or a song, practice some yoga or Tai Chi, build a fire… the list is endless.
What I have come to realise is that I don’t have to get into the whole ‘good for me’ v ‘bad for me’ debate. I can ask myself in any given situation ‘what will genuinely make me feel better right now?’ If it is a bit of distraction – fine. If it is sitting by myself watching a river go by – so be it. If is having a chat with someone I love – great. Remember it’s not so much what you do its how/why you do it that really counts. And if you are doing something out of habit or desperation it may be time for a change. The easiest way to become empowered is to give yourself several choices and then pick the one that you know will ultimately feel good – even if it is a bit scary! And always remember – your relationship to yourself is the foundation of your life…
by Freja ♥ © August 2007
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