‘Dare to be who you really are.’ Freja ♥
I grew up believing that I must choose one thing and focus all my attention and energy on it. Devote myself to a cause. What the cause would be didn’t actually matter – it’s the devotion that counted; devotion to a partner, a child, a project, a career or a worthy cause. If I had something to devote myself wholeheartedly to, then, I believed, I would be of some value and I would have earned my right to exist.
As a young adult my first Great Cause was to work out what cause I should devote myself to. I agonised for years. I have journals full of my lamenting and trying to figure it out. What should I do with my life? What is more important; marriage, motherhood or a career? Sometimes I pictured myself as a devoted wife other times as an Earth Mother or as a successful ………………….. (Fill in the dots – I’ve had many a dream, including becoming a ‘warrior of the planet’.) I am not sure why I couldn’t see all three together, but somehow it never seemed plausible. Maybe the amount of devotion I imagined pouring into my Great Cause meant there wouldn’t be anything left for other areas of my life. I would do it wholeheartedly, unflinchingly, and devotedly. And I would finally have an identity.
Over the years whenever I did choose a cause and start to dedicate myself to it, I ended up having to give up. It has taken me years to work out that it isn’t because I am a failure or because I have chosen the ‘wrong cause’. It’s actually because I always find there isn’t anything left for me. I end up resenting it. I have had relationships and jobs and crazy ideas and I can really go for it. But then I always end up feeling I am sacrificing something essential in my Self. Something important always has to be given up. And then something deep inside of me comes bubbling to the surface and I just can’t do it any more – no matter how much I wanted it or how devoted I have been up to that point. My true Self just will not allow it.
Then there’s the letting go. It can feel very empty and there is that horrible sense of failure… again. Many times I have cursed myself. ‘Why can’t I just choose something, anything and stick to it, come what may?’ I have believed that is what it would take to finally feel fulfilled, complete. It’s as if my life up to that point is worthless, it hasn’t really begun until I have found the cause…
But what if I there is no cause? No great purpose? No great battle to win? What if this is all there is? Gulp.
I have thankfully since discovered that Life is for living. And to live is to be, to exist. There are things that need to be done to continue living but having a Great Cause to devote oneself to is not one of them. What if our Great Purpose is just to be? What if it doesn’t really matter what we achieve in love or work? What if a career, money, marriage, children or a big house our not trophies that demonstrate our worth as human beings? What if we don’t need to justify our existence or earn our right to be?
Being called to do something because you want to, because you love it or because it makes you happy is not the same as feeling you should be doing something and if you are not, there is something wrong with you or you are worthless. I know many people who feel they should be doing something great with their lives but can’t seem to work out what it is or can’t commit to anything. They lack ease with themselves – they seem to be asking ‘if I am not doing something (great, useful, well paid, creative, exciting) then why am I here?’ I have known women who are openly ambivalent about motherhood but still torture themselves when they reach ‘that age’ because they secretly feel like they have failed at something they were supposed to do. They are happy with their lives but somehow end up questioning their right to exist without children.
I know many single people who believe that a relationship will give them a BIG TICK in the Validation Box. Contrary to popular opinion, it’s not always ‘loneliness’ or ‘biology’ that drives us to want a partner. Many singles have good friends, family (including children), neighbours, colleagues; fulfilling relationships, but feel there is something wrong if they don’t have a Special Someone in their life. For some it doesn’t even matter who that Special Someone is. I suspect the thing that is nagging away at us is usually a painful sense of failure and/or worthlessness: Without ‘somebody’ I am ‘nobody’. The many somebodies we do have in our lives never seem to be enough. It is truly insidious.
I sometimes wonder how many people are in relationships just to avoid that feeling. How many people have children to secure their right to exist in the world. How many work themselves into an early grave to keep themselves too busy to notice that our fear of being invisible or a failure never really goes away, no matter how much we achieve.
And then I wonder, what would the world be like if we all truly knew we had a right to exist, just as we are? If we all felt worthy of love and belonging no matter what relationships we were in? If we felt we were a valuable part of our community no matter what we individually contributed? What if we could just be – with no need to prove a thing?
Perhaps we would be free. Free to feel satisfied and fulfilled with all that we have, rather than focused on what we do not. Free to follow our hearts in both our work and our relationships. Free to give what felt right for us, and to value our individual contribution to our families, communities and to humanity. We would be free to be who we really are. And I think the world would be a very different place indeed if it was full of contented, self validating people.
by Freja ♥ © July 2007
No comments:
Post a Comment