Over the last 12 months I have had to
let go of every single dream I have ever held dear. I never realised
quite how attached to them I was until one by one, they each came up;
all bright and rosy only to be burst with a big loud 'bang'. I have
discovered that these dreams I have so passionately pursued were
actually mirages and that continuing to chase after them was self
destructive. So, how can we tell if we are heroically following our
dream or foolishly chasing a mirage?
Secretly I have been waiting for my
'real' life to start through the the fulfillment of
at least one of these dreams. Like a petulant child, I have
tried bargaining with God many times and have often bitterly
complained – please can't I at least have one of them come
true? I suspect that somewhere deep inside, most of us feel we are
missing something and if we could only our hands on it, we
would finally be able to relax and enjoy life.
For many of us there is at least one
thing we crave - I call it the 'happy ending' dream; finally
finding our One True Love; finally having a 'not so wonderful'
lover magically transform and turn out to be our One True Love after
all; finally healing a devastating life long family rift;
finally being validated in the 'right' career; finally
achieving success, acclaim, or a fabulous salary, and if all else
fails then we may pine after the ultimate escape – finally
receiving a big fat windfall so you don't have to worry about
anything at all!
It may sound embarrassing admitting to
any of these flights of fancy, but it really is no joke to feel that
your life is worthless until something external has been granted
to you. Because ultimately that's what all our 'happy ending'
dreams are about - finally receiving some form of external validation
that we are loved, valued and accepted for who we truly are. The
natural response any wound is to seek something outside
of ourselves to 'make it better'. Hopefully this will save us
from the devastating inner belief that somehow - without this
external validation - we are simply not enough. Whether it is love or
sex or success or money or acceptance that we desperately crave, it
is a painful lesson indeed to realise we can never fill that gaping
hole.
There is a huge difference between
following a dream that is born out of recognising our heart's
desire and one that stems from trying to avoid pain or save us
from wounds that have been inflicted on us in the past. Chasing or
pining for the ever elusive happy ending is a dream based on fear and
will only takes us further away from our authentic selves and deeper
into our pain. Whatever solution we seek 'out there' can only ever
turn out to be a mirage. The continued lack of closure and the
devastating feelings of failure, shame and despair that go with it,
leads us ever deeper into a negative cycle that becomes increasingly
difficult to let go of.
Once we step back, we will discover
that we have become addicted to trying to change the outcome of a
sad story, instead of finding a way to accept it and come to
terms with our loss. Whatever it was that happened to cause our
wound, if we are waiting for those who hurt us to finally see the
error of their ways or to magically change we will always feel
disappointed and betrayed. We often find ourselves repeating the same
patterns over and over again because we do not want to accept the
ending has already happened. All we can do is find a way to come
to terms with the fact that it wasn't happy and that we were wounded
by this.
Of course, the more unhappy our ending
was, the harder it is to accept. But if we are ever to stop reliving
the pain and our powerlessness over the past, then accept it we must.
This becomes much easier to do this when we decide to finally give
ourselves that which was originally denied us, instead of
desperately trying to get others to give it or naively waiting for
the story to change. Whatever it was that feels so acutely missing
in our lives, is the very thing we must take responsibility for
nurturing in ourselves.
We must learn to give ourselves
the love, acceptance, security, validation and respect that we need
because in the end, the rest of world is just as lost and wounded as
we are. It is only a vulnerable child who must look to the world
outside for validation; as an empowered adult you can find a way to
give yourself whatever you need without chasing after mirages. And if
you don't know how? You can choose to get help and learn how.
Allow the story ending be whatever
it was and find some other way to give yourself what was lost.
And if instead of feeling a fearful
craving you feel excited, joyful and expansive when following your
dream – then you know it is not a mirage you are chasing, but a
genuine calling from your soul.
Freja ♥
