How can we heal our wounds?

 ‘It is both brave and self loving to invite the gift of healing into your life.’ 

Freja ♥

We have all suffered. There is not a human alive who will not suffer any pain. It is part of life’s rich tapestry. It cannot be avoided and yet we spend a lot of time, energy and money trying to do just that – avoid the inevitable. And when we fail and do get hurt, we balk at the prospect of having to spend the time, energy or money it takes to heal. Yet this healing can bring a deep richness and fulfillment to our lives. We are missing an amazing opportunity to grow and deepen our experiences of life when we try to avoid pain or the healing process. And ironically this avoidance only causes more pain and suffering.

Life is, in part at least, about our healing. If we ignore this part of our psyche then it comes to us in our dreams, our illnesses and our regrets. We are put on this earth to grow and part of that growth is learning through pain and the wonderful gift of the healing process. Accepting and engaging in healing is what brings us closer to ourselves and to our Higher Power. It ultimately brings us closer to others as we become able to share our deeper authentic selves.

Healing is the magical rainbow that stretches over the darkened sky as the sun rays of hope illuminate the rain tears that fall, replenishing the earth. Without the rain, there would be no renewal and no rainbows to wonder at. The sun is the willingness within us to illuminate that which darkens our sky. The rain is the willingness to shed tears – to feel the pain. And the rainbow is the gift when the two come together in a beautiful release.

So how do we heal? How do we embrace our wounded selves and immerse ourselves in the challenge of facing the truth and the all the pain that accompanies our woundedness? Well it certainly isn’t easy. Nor is it, as I have discovered to my frustration, a linear process. Nor does the healing eradicate the wound altogether. A wound will always leave a scar, one we can grow to be proud of.

I have found that once you acknowledge that you have a wound and it needs attending the next step is to accept that you are not alone. You are truly not unique in your suffering. Our lives and our souls are unique – but we are all human and we share this common experience called pain. You can be assured that someone, somewhere has felt what you have felt, has experienced the depths of despair that you have gone to. The details of the story and the ways we cope may vary, but rest assured, your pain is absolutely universal and your wound(s) are shared by many.

I think the single most limiting belief that gets in the way of our healing journey is thinking that we are somehow unique in our suffering. Although for many it brings relief to realise that we are not alone and that others have been through what we have been through, it can also be humbling to realise we are not special in our suffering. We cannot heal when we separate ourselves from humanity by believing that our problems are either different from or worse than everyone else’s or that no one would ever understand or accept our pain. This simply isn’t true.

If our parents were not there to emotionally support us when we were children this belief can be very hard to budge because it protected us from feeling the depth of our despair at a time we were unable to deal with it. But in the long run, holding onto the belief that we are unique in our suffering only alienates us from our selves, God and the rest of humanity and it is guaranteed to steadfastly prohibit any healing. To heal you have to join the human race. We are truly all in this together.

Once we have admitted we have a wound and have realised we are not in this alone, we are free to humbly seek support. There are many options available to us when we are ready to face the work involved. We can join a self help group – (this is great for helping to break the fantasy that we are unique in our suffering). We can go and find an appropriate professional councillor or therapist to support us in our healing journey.

Sometimes the wound is not so deep rooted and all it takes is a long honest talk with a friend, lover or relative. We can even talk to someone random. We can ring a helpline and speak to a loving stranger who will really listen to us. We can read literature or search the web so that we can educate ourselves on our particular issue. We can start a journal or use art/ poetry/ music/ creative writing to explore and/or share our deeper selves. We can find a spiritual practice to follow like yoga, meditation, chanting, or the 12 Steps. We can find a new spiritual group to join or return to our religious roots by going to a church, mosque, temple or synagogue. We can go, open hearted, to be embraced and healed by nature or through her crystals, plants and animals. Be sure, there is always support for those who seek it.

Once we know we need to heal and accept that we are not alone and have started to look for sources of support, our next step can be to ask our Higher Power to help us and see what comes to our aid. You can be assured that if you commit to healing yourself and ask the Universe for assistance, it will come. Maybe not in the way that you expect or want and maybe not in the time scale we imagine, but help will be there. The one thing that you can be sure of is that Life wants you to heal and be happy more than anything in the world and it will answer your call when you are ready to do the healing work. Life does not stand in the way of those that are courageous enough to take the journey of healing. The only limit we struggle against is our own resistance. And of course you can even ask God to help you with that…

So, become willing to allow the sun to shine its illuminating rays on all your dark clouds. Be willing to go beneath the blanket of any general suffering to get to the root cause. It is both brave and self loving to invite the gift of healing into your life. Never in the history of humanity, has facing and healing our woundedness been more important with the collective social challenges we now face. And never has it been so easy to get the support and information we need to help us along the way… It’s time to take full advantage.

by Freja ♥ © October 2007

How do we create a community life for ourselves?

‘We need community life to experience a sense of belonging, value and social empowerment.’ Freja ♥

I read a magazine at the doctor’s the other day that said that in the recent floods (in the Gloucester area) people over the age of 65 had coped far better than the younger victims. This was because they had experienced the war and they knew how to pull together in a crisis. In WW2 there was a tremendous sense of purpose and rallying together which enabled people to cope with all the loss and threat to survival. People often say we (in the West) have lost our sense of community and that our social fabric has become eroded and fragmented. The inherent selfishness of consumerism and individualism are often seen as the culprits. It seems that all we collectively care about today is trying to make life as easy and convenient as possible for ourselves.

In all our privilege and comfort, we seem to have lost something important – a sense of community. We all know that when human beings come together with purpose and determination, amazing things can be achieved and challenges overcome. So what happens when we no longer have something big to fight against like war, absolute poverty, famine, or disease?

Community living has been made optional by our society’s success – most people don’t need their local community to survive and so many choose not to get involved at all. When you know you can have your own garden/ car/ computer/ T.V. – why share one? When you know that you are safe in bed at night because wars only happen ‘over there’ in some foreign land – there is no point in getting to know your neighbours – after all, you’ll never need to rely on them for anything. When you know you can go to the local supermarket and get anything you want to eat from anywhere in the world – why bother learning the skills for growing, catching, preparing, cooking or preserving food from the elders in your community? If we need something, we only have to buy it – we don’t have to bother forging relationships, sharing or learning skills from those around us to get what we need on a material level.

But what happens when disaster strikes? What happens if you never get married or have children – who do you rely on then? And what about when the oil runs out or something else stops our food chain in its industrial tracks? How can our communities support us when they are not functioning because we have forgotten how to share and support each other and we have handed all our collective power over to big business and the Government?

We don’t just need our fellows to survive on a material level. We need each other for belonging and spiritual connectedness. Since we collectively left the Church and the extended family we have increasingly put pressure on our primary sexual relationships to be ‘all things’ to us. Marriage (or a sexual relationship) was never intended to replace community. The nuclear family model has encouraged us to separate ourselves from the rest of our community in self sufficiency and privacy. But what happens when the relationship struggles, fails or someone dies?

The truth is; a huge amount of the loneliness and depression that is endemic in our society is born out of this lack of belonging to a larger community. We feel empty, disconnected and afraid and we don’t know why. Feeling secure and valued within a large community of people is an amazing antidote to the sense of separation our society engenders. We need community life to experience a sense of belonging, value and empowerment. Family and close friends play an important role but even they cannot replace living as part of a ‘village’ or belonging to a larger, impersonal group. In such a community we can experience being lovingly accepted whilst also maintaining our personal identity and values because the expectations of us are much lower than in personal relationships. You don’t have to be emotionally involved with people to feel a sense of belonging and spiritual unity.

So, how do we create a community life for ourselves? Where ever you live, you can start by being willing to get to know the people who live near by. Start small; say hello, or smile at people when passing by, even if you don’t know them. Shop locally and take the time to chat to your local shop keepers – friendliness always goes a long way. If you get your paper delivered, consider walking or cycling to the shop instead. Be willing to stop and chat on the street. You’d be amazed at how great this feels!

If you are feeling a bit more confident you could get more adventurous; find out what activities are happening locally and get involved or at least show your face… Knock on a neighbour’s door to borrow something or ask for help. Invite someone round for a cuppa, or host a neighbour’s drinks night. If nothing is happening where you live, or you don’t fancy what’s on offer, start your own thing. You could organise a street party, fête or Christmas fair!

If you are more comfortable taking a practical approach there are also many things you can do. Start or join a community garden, allotment or orchard. Do some conservation work. Contribute to or start a local rag. Organise some litter picking, or gardening for elderly neighbours. Start a child care swap or sharing circle…

There are always things you can do to help improve your neighbourhood or the lives of those who live in it. All you need is willingness and patience. You can take your time and see what works for you and your community. Most people are just waiting for an excuse to reach out to their neighbours and will welcome your enthusiasm. Remember – the point of getting involved is both to enrich your life and to create a strong, empowered and effective community. Getting involved will give you more social connectedness and a wonderful sense of pride in where you live.

by Freja ♥ © September 2007

What do we do to distract ourselves?

‘Your relationship with yourself is the foundation of your life.’ Freja ♥

When I was teaching I’d sometimes drop into class discussions that I don’t have a TV, just because I never ceased to be amazed by the reaction I got. When I first mentioned it in passing, my comment was met by silent dropped jaws followed quickly by looks of utter shock while the class computed this alien idea. Then came the questions… ‘Do I have internet?’ ‘Do I have a radio?’ Then comes the final, often desperate question, ‘what do you do?’ They literally can’t imagine life without TV! I usually explain that I sometimes watch DVD films on my computer – and the relief in the class is palpable. Somehow their reality is restored knowing that I have some kind of distraction to fall back on.

The truth is we are all guilty of at least some distraction and TV is certainly not the only way we like to get distracted. Drinking too much, shopping sprees, working every hour God sends, keeping ‘ever-so-busy’, moving house/job/city/country a lot, having an affair, reading yet another gripping novel, blogging or surfing the night away, partying every weekend… the list is endless! I am not suggesting all these activities are only ever a distraction, nor am I saying that a little distraction from the stresses of life is always a bad thing. The issue is not so much what we are doing but how and why we are doing it. What effect is the distraction having on the quality of our lives?

So, what do you do to keep yourself distracted? Does it take up loads of your time? Does it bring you closer to what you want to be doing or does it get in the way? How does it affect your relationships to your loved ones? Does it make you a happier person or does it make you forget yourself? And can your bank balance take it or does it mean you have to work that much harder? If you have a sneaking suspicion that you may be chronically distracting yourself then the first step that will lead to any change is awareness. When you ask yourself the above questions, be honest with yourself!

The next step is coming to understand why you are distracting yourself. When we are being distracted we can successfully avoid all sorts of things, for a time. Firstly and most obviously, we can avoid painful feelings – loneliness, frustration, emptiness, fear, anger, powerlessness, grief etc. Zoning out in front of a screen or downing a couple of glasses of wine/pints of beer after work can be mind numbing. It can seem like a welcome relief from the stresses of the day: It takes us away and switches us off.

A mind that is numb also is blissfully unaware of all those underlying feelings we may be carrying. They may start creeping into our lives in other ways, like through our nocturnal dreams, our sleeplessness, or that nagging feeling that catches us off guard every now and then. The problem is if we don’t know how we are feeling how can we make good decisions about our lives? Feelings are indicators of ‘where we are at’. They tell us if we are off course, if we need to make changes, and which changes are going to be most beneficial to us. If we can’t feel, then how do we know if our marriage is really working for us or whether we need to go for that promotion right now?

We can also use distraction to avoid communicating, being intimate and having to face the array of feelings and challenges brought on by relating to those we share our lives with. Just imagine sitting around or in front of a fire with a group of people. You talk, you sing, you stoke the fire, tell stories or jokes. Invariably musical instruments appear and perhaps you listen to a performance or you all join in a group effort. Sometimes there will be food to cook, kettles to boil or marshmallows to toast. Everyone who is part of the fire circle will have to relate, negotiate and cooperate.

Now imagine sitting with them in front of the telly… Conversation is killed – especially if someone actually wants to watch the programme that is on. Minds glaze over as you all ‘switch off’. It is always passive entertainment – your input is not required unless it is to send your vote to have some random person you have no relationship with evicted from some pointless show. The only communal side to watching the box is when someone calls you over to watch your favourite programme, a partner cuddles up to you or when you argue over who has control of the remote. Most of our chronic distractions will take us away from intimacy and the challenges of really relating to people which makes life seem somehow safer and easier.

There is a time and a place for distraction – even some communal distraction can be fun and uplifting. But there is also a time and a place for getting to know ourselves and those we share our lives with. We can turn off the din of the media or the pub, we can go for a walk, ring a friend, do some journal writing, have a massage or sauna, write a letter, read an inspiring book, stare at a fire or out of a train window, meditate, have a good cry, write a poem or a song, practice some yoga or Tai Chi, build a fire… the list is endless.

What I have come to realise is that I don’t have to get into the whole ‘good for me’ v ‘bad for me’ debate. I can ask myself in any given situation ‘what will genuinely make me feel better right now?’ If it is a bit of distraction – fine. If it is sitting by myself watching a river go by – so be it. If is having a chat with someone I love – great. Remember it’s not so much what you do its how/why you do it that really counts. And if you are doing something out of habit or desperation it may be time for a change. The easiest way to become empowered is to give yourself several choices and then pick the one that you know will ultimately feel good – even if it is a bit scary! And always remember – your relationship to yourself is the foundation of your life…

by Freja ♥ © August 2007

What do we do to justify our right to exist?

‘Dare to be who you really are.’ Freja ♥

I grew up believing that I must choose one thing and focus all my attention and energy on it. Devote myself to a cause. What the cause would be didn’t actually matter – it’s the devotion that counted; devotion to a partner, a child, a project, a career or a worthy cause. If I had something to devote myself wholeheartedly to, then, I believed, I would be of some value and I would have earned my right to exist.

As a young adult my first Great Cause was to work out what cause I should devote myself to. I agonised for years. I have journals full of my lamenting and trying to figure it out. What should I do with my life? What is more important; marriage, motherhood or a career? Sometimes I pictured myself as a devoted wife other times as an Earth Mother or as a successful ………………….. (Fill in the dots – I’ve had many a dream, including becoming a ‘warrior of the planet’.) I am not sure why I couldn’t see all three together, but somehow it never seemed plausible. Maybe the amount of devotion I imagined pouring into my Great Cause meant there wouldn’t be anything left for other areas of my life. I would do it wholeheartedly, unflinchingly, and devotedly. And I would finally have an identity.

Over the years whenever I did choose a cause and start to dedicate myself to it, I ended up having to give up. It has taken me years to work out that it isn’t because I am a failure or because I have chosen the ‘wrong cause’. It’s actually because I always find there isn’t anything left for me. I end up resenting it. I have had relationships and jobs and crazy ideas and I can really go for it. But then I always end up feeling I am sacrificing something essential in my Self. Something important always has to be given up. And then something deep inside of me comes bubbling to the surface and I just can’t do it any more – no matter how much I wanted it or how devoted I have been up to that point. My true Self just will not allow it.

Then there’s the letting go. It can feel very empty and there is that horrible sense of failure… again. Many times I have cursed myself. ‘Why can’t I just choose something, anything and stick to it, come what may?’ I have believed that is what it would take to finally feel fulfilled, complete. It’s as if my life up to that point is worthless, it hasn’t really begun until I have found the cause…

But what if I there is no cause? No great purpose? No great battle to win? What if this is all there is? Gulp.

I have thankfully since discovered that Life is for living. And to live is to be, to exist. There are things that need to be done to continue living but having a Great Cause to devote oneself to is not one of them. What if our Great Purpose is just to be? What if it doesn’t really matter what we achieve in love or work? What if a career, money, marriage, children or a big house our not trophies that demonstrate our worth as human beings? What if we don’t need to justify our existence or earn our right to be?

Being called to do something because you want to, because you love it or because it makes you happy is not the same as feeling you should be doing something and if you are not, there is something wrong with you or you are worthless. I know many people who feel they should be doing something great with their lives but can’t seem to work out what it is or can’t commit to anything. They lack ease with themselves – they seem to be asking ‘if I am not doing something (great, useful, well paid, creative, exciting) then why am I here?’ I have known women who are openly ambivalent about motherhood but still torture themselves when they reach ‘that age’ because they secretly feel like they have failed at something they were supposed to do. They are happy with their lives but somehow end up questioning their right to exist without children.

I know many single people who believe that a relationship will give them a BIG TICK in the Validation Box. Contrary to popular opinion, it’s not always ‘loneliness’ or ‘biology’ that drives us to want a partner. Many singles have good friends, family (including children), neighbours, colleagues; fulfilling relationships, but feel there is something wrong if they don’t have a Special Someone in their life. For some it doesn’t even matter who that Special Someone is. I suspect the thing that is nagging away at us is usually a painful sense of failure and/or worthlessness: Without ‘somebody’ I am ‘nobody’. The many somebodies we do have in our lives never seem to be enough. It is truly insidious.

I sometimes wonder how many people are in relationships just to avoid that feeling. How many people have children to secure their right to exist in the world. How many work themselves into an early grave to keep themselves too busy to notice that our fear of being invisible or a failure never really goes away, no matter how much we achieve.

And then I wonder, what would the world be like if we all truly knew we had a right to exist, just as we are? If we all felt worthy of love and belonging no matter what relationships we were in? If we felt we were a valuable part of our community no matter what we individually contributed? What if we could just be – with no need to prove a thing?

Perhaps we would be free. Free to feel satisfied and fulfilled with all that we have, rather than focused on what we do not. Free to follow our hearts in both our work and our relationships. Free to give what felt right for us, and to value our individual contribution to our families, communities and to humanity. We would be free to be who we really are. And I think the world would be a very different place indeed if it was full of contented, self validating people.

by Freja ♥ © July 2007

How do you know when to let go?

‘Dare to let go and see where Life takes you.’ Freja ♥

Have you ever heard the expression, ‘Let go and let God’? It’s a great mantra for dealing with any persistent problem. It is one of the best pieces of advice I have ever heard and possibly the hardest to follow! The idea behind the saying is that sometimes our will gets in the way of us achieving what we want. Sometimes we need to ‘hand it over’ to the will of some higher power – God, The Universe, Great Spirit, Life – whatever you believe in.

A good indicator of needing to let go seems to be a high level of fear. If you are terrified of what will happen if you do ‘hand it over’ to the Gods you can be sure that it is time to do just that. Fear is the enemy of change, yet it is what is often sitting there in the driving seat when we face a big change. So we hold on, for dear life. Other good indicators are that you have tried your best – and done all that you can. Or you have to make a decision today. So make it and let Life take care of the rest. Or you can’t go on any more. Or it feels like ‘it’ just isn’t working. Doors keep closing. Or you really know that you want/need, you have put in an offer or stood up for yourself and now it is down to someone else. You can’t control other people. Do your bit then let go of the outcome.

One thing you can be sure of is that even when things go ‘wrong’ – i.e. not the way we would like them to, or expected them to, it is Life trying to guide us. Maybe Life has a better idea we are not yet aware of. We are by nature resistant creatures. Life gives us little wake up calls. If they are not heard, or are dogmatically ignored, then Life’s Little Messages get louder and louder until eventually the rug is pulled from beneath our feet. As we fall, we grab the branch and refuse to let go… shouting ‘If I let go I will DIE!!’

So, what does letting go actually entail? It requires you to trust Life to take care of you. Trust things will work out for the ultimate good of all concerned. Trust that a solution will follow, a decision will be made by either you or another, at the right time. Trust that you won’t die from not getting that job, lover, house or money – even if things get tough – that you will get what you need just as soon as you need it – even if it isn’t in the way that you imagine. It means trusting that Life is working on your behalf to make you happy and to meet your needs and once you have done your bit, you just need to step out of the way so the Universe can do the rest. That’s the hard bit. That’s the magical bit.

And what happens when you do finally let go? Well, one friend finally decided to take a risk and move into a bigger rented room and trust that his less desirable room would be filled so he wouldn’t have to pay for both rooms. He decided to go ahead and trust. Within a couple of days someone fantastic took his old room. No one had been interested until then… Someone else had all but run out of money and had huge debts to pay. After 5 job interviews with no job offer she decided to return home to France (her work is here in England) and trust the money would come somehow. A couple of hours after she told me her decision, she called to say she’d been offered a job…

And my story? Well I am still waiting to see what happens now I have finally let go of being a school teacher. We shall have to wait and see. All I do know is that I feel a peace that I haven’t felt in ages. And I can’t wait to see what unfolds! 

by Freja ♥  © June 2007